"And Remember Our Faded Love"

Dreams are very fascinating things. Some look at dreams as just colors and shapes that we put together to create a vision in our sleep. Others, like myself, look at them as our subconscious trying to tell us something or even ways for lost loved ones to communicate. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so naturally all the single ladies....and fellas....begin to ponder if this year will be magically different than the last. Lately, I have been looking at myself and wondering what about me makes finding a compatible person to be with so difficult? Not throwing a pity party or anything, just a thought that has been on my mind. Then last night, I had a dream that I was getting married. Good dream to have, right? Well it turns out that the man I was marrying, I wasn't all that sure about. I don't know what the man looked like or what his name was, I just know that I was getting married and everyone was ecstatic. Except for myself. For some reason that I couldn't figure out, I was very unhappy, sad in fact. Then all of a sudden I was at the old house I used to live in with my grandparents. I haven't been in that house for quite a while. I then feel a tap on my shoulder and when I turn around, I see my Papa. I immediately burst into tears, not of sadness, but of joy. He looked at me and smiled the way he always did when I was near him when he was alive. He took my hand and asked me why I was so upset and I told him that I was getting married to man that I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He asked me to tell him about this man and I simply said I don't know. We walked into the house and just being in there with him made me cry even more. He started telling me that I need to wait my turn. He told me that there is someone out there for me, but that I need to wait for him and not just settle because I deserve someone who would treat me like a princess. Papa then said, "You're my princess." I then asked him if he was okay where he was now and all he did was smile, squeeze my hand and said "I love you." I woke up and to my surprise there were tears running down my face. I've had a few dreams with my Papa, but this one felt so very real. He was so youthful, so alive and so happy. He is my dad. He loved me and my sister unconditionally like he loved his own daughters. The end of my dream was him letting me know that he is okay and that he sees my pain, my sorrows but also my happiness and joy. He may not be here physically, but I feel him watching over me every day. As I write this post, I felt it appropriate to listen to Patsy Cline since Papa and I share that love for her. One verse keeps standing out to me and I feel like it's the best way to end this post. I miss you Papa, I can only hope that I find someone who loves me as much as you do. "I miss you darlin', more and more everyday. As heaven would miss the stars above. With every heart beat, I still think of you and remember our faded love."

A Force to be Reckoned With

Idols. Everyone has them. Whether it's a singer who takes your breath away with their meaningful lyrics or a football star who makes every touchdown seem like a miracle, we all have them. I have many who have changed my life with the delivery of a simple line. One of them is Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It is extremely rare to go to a movie and an actor moves you so much you leave speechless because their performance was that awe inspiring. One of my favorite films is The Ides of March, starring Ryan Gosling, George Clooney and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It is a modern version of the story of the fall of Julius Caesar. It is a brilliant movie, but the performance that left me speechless was this amazing man. One movie I strongly suggest watching. You may not even agree with me, but this man was a force to be reckoned with. When you find someone who can play any character and make each one completely different, that is when you have found a true genius. He was so passionate about his art and shared with everyone how much acting and directing truly meant to him simply by believing what the story was he was telling and the words he was saying. Recently I also saw him in the second movie of The Hunger Games trilogy where he played Plutarch Heavensbee. I'm not sure how many people who read this have read The Hunger Games books or have even seen the movies, but when I saw the movie and saw him enter onto the screen, my heart truly skipped a beat. I respected him so much as an actor, I can only hope I am just as successful and talented as he was in my career. Any actor knows the struggle when entering into this business. It breaks your heart. You put everything into the role you are playing and make yourself extremely vulnerable to billions of people you have never met. You open yourself to endless criticism that can make one go home and cry yourself to sleep. However, what really matters at the end of the day is that what you decide to do with your life makes you truly happy. I know that thinking of doing anything else with my life would make me lose hope in myself and lose hope in life. Obviously, there were problems he was facing before his death but I choose not to think of that. I choose to think of the man who brought true emotion, passion and vulnerability to every single character he played and brought true happiness to my heart after seeing him on screen. Thank you Phillip Seymour Hoffman for being a true idol and icon for every aspiring actor out there, including myself. You will never know how much I wished I could have acted with you in my career. "The ambition, the drive, the wanting to be the center of attention, the wanting to succeed....they're all inside me somewhere." ~Phillip Seymour Hoffman